Repression
by sassypantsfaberry
Summary: A Short one shot about Quinn's Repression, about pretty much everything, but mostly her love for Rachel


A/N.

This is just a short one shot about Quinn Fabrays Repression. To people who didn't already see it the way i do, i think you will understand after reading this :)

**Repression**

As a child, I was raised in a home with a Christian Family. It wasn't a healthy environment, despite what you would think a Christian home would be. My father was quite the perfectionist, and raised my sister and I in a way that HE thought was perfect. Whenever I would do something wrong in his eyes, he would say,

"Quinn Celeste Fabray, I raised you better than this. You're a disappointment." Then stalk off and leave me in tears. My mother would just get another drink and go into her study.

Everyone knew not to talk back to my father. Sadly, my mother learned this the hard way. My sister and I watched in fear as he back handed her, and she fell to the ground. I remember him turning to us and growling, but I don't know what happened afterwards.

We all lived in fear of him, always trying our hardest to not get on his bad side, even for a split second. Once my sister was old enough to move out, she was gone.

My father lived life day by day, never reminiscing on the bad events that happened quite frequently in that big house of ours. Treating my mother and I like he would never do anything to hurt us, like we were the best things in the world to him, and he couldn't live without us. It was a bullshit act, and now everyone knows what a lying deadbeat he is.

Whenever I would leave in the morning for school, I put a smile on my face and try to make myself believe that I wasn't suffocating in that house. I spent my school day convincing Santana and Brittany that I was ok. For some reason, Brittany never really believed it. I guess, maybe, I don't give her enough credit. Maybe she's smarter then we all think. She would always ask me what's wrong, I'd say nothing, and she would just give me her serious thinking face, and leave it at that.

I stayed pretty much closed off to everybody else at school and it got even worse once S, B and I went into grade 9. They wanted to join the cheerios and become the most popular girls in school. I felt I had nothing else going for, so I went along with it. At least being at the top, I thought, would make people to afraid to talk to me. It had worked fine, up until one Rachel Berry would always try to make a conversation with me. I found her to be really beautiful, but it's perfectly normal to think another girl is pretty, right? Yeah, anyways, something about her irked me, and I have no idea why. I reacted in the most normal HBIC way, by telling her to stop annoying me. She then apologized and said she thought she was being friendly.

After that she pretty much left me alone, but for some reason I would always catch myself starring at her.

Later that same year, I started dating Finn Hudson. He's the quarter back on the football team, which is pretty much the only reason I'm dating him. Santana was actually the one who had encouraged me to, saying that it would boost my popularity. I never felt anything when he kissed me, and he always claimed he loved me, which I guess he did because he joined the celibacy club for me.

My high school life was all pretty good, but the night I had the most vivid dream about Rachel, I completely lost my cool. I could never accept the fact that I had thought of that, even in my subconscious. I was raised to think that it was wrong, and I would go to hell. I truly believed it. After that, I would just blank out at school after looking at her, and then come back to reality just after I had done something horrible to her. Stuff like, calling her many names, drawing pornographic pictures of her on the bathroom walls, or throwing a slushy at her. Truth is, I actually felt really bad after I did those things. Seeing her face after the cold ice chunks splashed against her face hurt me as much as it hurt her. But then I would look over at Santana, Brittany, and all the jocks that where around and they'd be laughing or giving each other high fives. So I just pushed back my feelings and acted like I was enjoying this just as much as they were.

We'd all walk off, but I would turn around to try and give Rachel an apologetic look, but she would already be huffing down the hall to the closest girl's bathroom. Half of me wanted to go after her and help her, but of course, that was the half that I dare not listen too.

The next school year, I made, well, it wasn't really ME, the part of me that I had no control over made the horrible decision of having sex with Puck, Finns best friend. And as a result of that, I got pregnant. I hurt so many people with this mistake, not just myself. Finn, my parents, I'm pretty sure it affected Santana too, and when Santana's upset, so is Brittany. I also have it on good record that Rachel was upset about it too. It's like somewhere deep inside of me, I know that something will somehow effect her, and o my uncontrolled side makes me do it.

For some reason, Rachel always forgives me. I don't understand it, she has no reason to. I make her life miserable, and yet, she treats me as if I never did anything to her. I think, maybe she knows that I don't mean the things that I say and do to her, so she doesn't hold me too it. She was there for me through my pregnancy, no matter how much I'd deny it.

I hate having to keep up an image. I don't want to be popular if it means being known for doing awful things to Rachel… and other people, but it's all I know. I hate the fact that I was raised why way I was. Learning to repress all the 'bad' feelings that I have. I just wish, someday, that I feel okay about myself and love the way I want too. I don't want to hide anymore… especially from myself.

**THE END.**


End file.
